Mars/M & M’s Cave To Critical Candy Theory, Sugar-Coat Changes To Characters

M&M's

VIRGINIA – Mars, Inc. has M&Mbraced wokeness. The makers of M&M’s have fallen victim to Critical Candy Theory (CCT). CCT is an activist-inspired idea that teaches candy makers to not judge an M&M by its color, but rather by the content of its fictional character. The company announced changes to some of the candy’s ‘personalities’ in a bid to appear as woke as possible. Since 1941, the M&M brand has been known by slogans such as “All the World Loves M&M’s,” “Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hand,” and…

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Angry Prez Lifts Nervous Nation With Platitudes, Delusions and Gibberish

prez

WASHINGTON – Raising Americans’ spirits during difficult times isn’t easy. Between the virus, inflation, open borders and sky-high crime rates, it’s been a rough year. Sensing the nation needed a pick-me-up, President Joe Biden held a press conference today. The presser went as smooth as a Biden presser can go. The Prez blew smoke up the nation’s a$$ like only he can. Blending empty platitudes, delusions, and beltway gibberish, Joe wove tall tales about how great his first year as president has gone. “No nation wants common sense solutions,” Biden…

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Biden Visits Dairy Queen To Demand Chain Do Away With FiliBuster

FiliBuster

VIRGINIA – They’re American classics at Dairy Queen – the Hungr-Buster, BeltBuster, and TripleBuster burgers. Joe Biden loves burgers and ice cream, but he’s objecting to one thing he says the chain needs to do away with for the betterment of the country. “I’m here today to plead with my friends at Dairy Queen. I need your help,” the president told patrons. “Look, I’ll confess…I’ve had my share of Hungr-Busters and BeltBusters over the years. They’re quality products. But if we’re to save our democracy, Dairy Queen must get rid…

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Angry Biden Recalls Republicans’ Use Of Lasers, Nukes During Jan. 6 Riot

angry Biden

WASHINGTON – Calling it “a day that will live in infirmary,” an angry Joe Biden reminded Americans of the dire situation that took place one year ago today. He relived the event that shook Nancy Pelosi, AOC and others to their drama queen cores. “Many of us still suffer scars from January 6, 2021,” the angry president said. “It was traumatic for all of us! We all remember watching in horror as the Republican hordes stormed the hallowed halls of Congress in tanks, others carrying lightsabers, or brandishing nuclear weapons!…

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‘Twas The Night Before VaXmas – A Biden Christmas Poem

VaXmas

‘Twas the Night Before VaXmas ‘Twas the night before VaXmas, when in the White House Not a Biden was stirring, except Jill’s inept spouse; Face masks were hung by the chimney with care, As the president readied his next variant scare; The Commies were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of lockdowns danced in their heads; And Jill in her nightie, and I, tired as crap, Had just settled down for my 4th or 5th nap, When then on the news there arose so much chatter, Joe Manchin,…

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Tornado Biden: Worst Destruction I’ve Seen Since Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton Played Twister

twister

KENTUCKY – After being convinced by staff that he hadn’t been transported to Oz, President Biden toured tornado-ravaged Kentucky today. The destruction is devastating. And reporters noted that Joe seemed overwhelmed by what he saw. “Folks, what I’ve seen today is hard to put into words. I’ve been to many disaster sites over my last century in politics. But this one is especially bad. I’ve been trying to think of how to convey just how bad the destruction here is. Do you all remember a climate documentary from the ’90’s…

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Alec Baldwin Admits He Shot The Sheriff, But He Did Not Shoot The Deputy

Alec

NEW MEXICO – Actor Alec Baldwin insists that he cocked the gun that killed Halyna Hutchins, but he didn’t pull the trigger. In the immortal words of Jason Bateman, “It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for ’em.” Baldwin told a reporter this week, “How can I make you people understand? Look, it’s like me admitting I shot the sheriff…but I did not shoot the deputy. Do you get that?” “With all due respect, sir, that analogy doesn’t make any sense in this situation,” the reporter…

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Biden Blames Grandson For Cough, Inflation, Low Poll Numbers, Omicron

grandson

WASHINGTON – Hoarse, and coughing his way through a press conference, Joe Biden worried members of the press. When asked, he told reporters his baby grandson was to blame for giving him a cold. Biden said his grandson had been “kissing my, anyway…you know, the thing.” TMI. But Joe wasn’t through. He went on to blame his grandson for the poor November jobs report, skyrocketing inflation, and other issues that are dragging down his presidency. “I love the little bastard, but he’s not only made me sick, he’s singlehandedly wrecking…

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Making Ends: Chris Cuomo Forced To Hawk Fitness Videos In Wake Of CNN Suspension

suspension

NEW YORK – CNN has wisely suspended anchor Chris Cuomo. The network admits this is the first thing they’ve done right in decades. Cuomo was busted for trying to use media contacts to dig up dirt on his brother’s sexual assault victims. So how does a cocky bro make ends meet after being suspended? Cuomo says he will hawk many of the thousands of fitness pics and workout videos he’s made of himself over the years. “Fredo,” as he’s better known, has a few fans, but none bigger than himself.…

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Beto: Skateboards More Acceptable Weapons Than AR-15’s For Self Defense

skateboards

TEXAS – Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke, the Democrat on a losing streak, wants to be Governor of Texas. The #1 issue he’s running on is taking everybody’s AR-15’s away. That should go over really well in Texas. But he believes he has the answer. “Look at that Huber guy in Kenosha, the one who hit Kyle Rittenhouse over the head with his skateboard. That’s the way to do it. You can do serious damage, and it’s also your getaway vehicle,” he told a small campaign audience. “Unfortunately, that dude wasn’t…

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