Biden Threatens He’ll Send Obama To Tell Putin To ‘Knock It Off’ If He Misbehaves

SWITZERLAND – Russia was put in its place yesterday by US President Joe Biden. The president met with Russia’s President Putin where he drew fuschia-colored lines in the sand on issues that Biden said were off limits. According to reports, Biden took no malarkey from Putin. In fact, he left the top Russian with a list of things not to launch cyber-attacks against. Among the 16 items on Biden’s ‘do not hack’ list: DNC computers, son Hunter’s laptop, and top-secret files related to Kamala’s sneaker budget. Joe told reporters he…

Read More

Dems Insist ‘N’ In ‘N-Word’ Is Silent When Hunter Biden, His Father Use Word

Hunter Biden

WASHINGTON – News has broken that Joe Biden and his son Hunter have used the ‘N-word’ numerous times in the past. Fortunately for them, the cancel culture crowd is apparently on vacation for the summer. NBC’s Chris Todd gave his take on the brewing controversy. “First of all, I don’t think these two ever used this offensive word. If they had, we’d be covering it in the media. Since we’re ignor-, I mean not covering it, it never happened.” Todd then offered another explanation for what happened. “See, when Democrats…

Read More

VP Harris Visits Guatemala/San Salvador Border To Quell Criticism She’s Ignoring Border Crisis

GUATEMALA – Kamala Harris is sick of peasants who say she’s been avoiding going to the border. She’s currently on a talking tour in Central America to show that she’s pretending to care about America’s border crisis. The VP was visibly pissed when NBC’s Lester Holt questioned why she hasn’t visited the border to see for herself how bad things really are there. So she decided to call Lester’s bluff. This afternoon, in a surprise move, Harris showed up at the border between Guatemala and San Salvador. “See? I’ve gone…

Read More

Fauci Emails Admit Original COVID-19 Sample Had ‘Made In China’ Label On Bottom

WASHINGTON – Dr. Anthony Fauci, the face of America’s fight against the coronavirus, has been busted. While claiming for a year that the virus spread organically, newly revealed emails show the doc knew the real truth – the virus was made in a lab. While messaging a colleague, Dr. Fauci wrote, “We shouldn’t let this get out in the public, but the original sample I was made aware of had a ‘Made In China’ label on the bottom. I’m assuming it means just the petri dish was made there. I…

Read More

CNN Rebrand: ‘Same Sh*t, Different Day With Don Lemon’ Replaces ‘CNN Tonight With Don Lemon’

NEW YORK – CNN has decided to rebrand one of its shows. It’s a change that show host Don Lemon teased on social media last Friday. Lemon announced that his show, CNN Tonight with Don Lemon, was ending abruptly that night. Dozens of his fans were thrown into a panic, thinking the host was leaving the network. As it turns out, it was all a publicity stunt to gain attention for his newly titled show that starts Monday night. Same Sh*t, Different Day with Don Lemon debuts tonight, and the…

Read More

Biden: Stimmy Checks To Continue Until Herd Loyalty Toward Democrat Party Achieved

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden has hit the road, touting the latest phase of his ‘Spend America Into Oblivion’ stimulus package. Even as increased unemployment checks keep more Americans on the couch instead of working, he says now is not the time to ease up. “We cannot stop sending out stimmy money until we reach herd loyalty to the Democrat Party,” Biden told reporters. “Once we feel we’ve bought enough future Democratic votes, only then can we start to pull back on some of our relief programs.” Spokesgal Jen Psaki echoed…

Read More

More Doctors Recommend ‘Watching Biden Address Congress’ Over Ambien For Insomnia

ATLANTA – In a new study, 4 out of 5 doctors now recommend ‘watching Joe Biden address Congress’ as the best cure for sleeplessness. The recommendations have even overtaken popular sleep aids like Ambien. Biden has been spending like a drunken sailor since he became president, vowing to solve every problem by throwing money at it. Insiders say Joe is trying to see how many generations’ futures he can piss away before Kamala takes over for him. Dr. Stanley Evans said, “The president has an uncanny ability to be both…

Read More

Chicago To Test BLM-Approved Call In System For Cops Before Engaging Criminals

cops

CHICAGO – Mayor Lori Lightfoot is not only reimagining the police. She’s reimagining reality. The city is planning to try out a new phone-in system for its city’s cops to call for permission before pursuing bad guys. Black Lives Matter has approved the program. According to a press release, police would call a supervisor, lay out the sitch as quickly as possible, then wait for approval from a supervisor. Here’s an example of the way the program would work: Bad guy has a weapon and is threatening someone. Cops arrive…

Read More

Joe Biden Signs Exec Order Barring Ghosts From Owning Guns

WASHINGTON – President Joe Biden today signed an executive order effectively banning any ghost from owning a gun. During his speech, he said there is an epidemic of gun violence, and laid the blame at the feet of the paranormal. “We can all agree that ghosts are scary,” the president announced. “And we can all agree that guns are scary. But the only thing scarier is a ghost with a gun. So today, I am signing an EO that will target the sales of ghost guns. My action will make…

Read More

Democrats Slam Voter Integrity Laws Because Of The Integrity Part

GEORGIA – Democrats in Hollywood and on Capitol Hill are blasting the recently passed Voter Integrity Law as racist. The new law is designed to combat voter fraud and require ID’s to legally vote. Leftists hate that. Professional bimbo Chelsea Handler cried out, “Those right-wing bastards just want to bar minorities from voting! I swear I’ll never have sex again on Georgia soil! Aaaahhhhhhh!” Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer expressed his displeasure with the law this way: “I first had to look up what ‘integrity’ means. It says ‘adhering to a…

Read More