Elizabeth Warren Insists America Needs New Deals In Every Color

new deals

NEVADA – 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren loves AOC’s Green New Deal so much that she’s proposed her own “Blue New Deal.” The Blue New Deal is designed to throw taxpayer money into the oceans, with no real benefits to America. In this way, it resembles the Green New Deal. “It’s fun to just make up these totally unrealistic plans and attach a color to it!” Warren excitedly announced. “Take AOC’s Green New Deal. It’s called ‘Green’ because that’s the color of the money that we would waste on…

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Mike Bloomberg Loses Coveted Horse-Faced Lesbians Group Endorsement

horse-faced

NEVADA – 2020 presidential hopeful Mike Bloomberg’s road to the White House just got much tougher. In last night’s debate, Democratic rival Elizabeth Warren exposed Bloomberg’s past mocking of horse-faced lesbians, and it has cost him the coveted demographic’s vote. No candidate has won the presidency since 1954 without first winning the endorsement of the horse-faced lesbian voting bloc. The National Horse-Faced Lesbian Union (HFLU) is so mad at Bloomberg that they’ve pulled their previous endorsement of him. The horse-faced president of the union said the group now endorses Warren…

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Nancy Pelosi, House Dems Showing Classic Impeachment Withdrawal Symptoms

WASHINGTON – Democrats on Capitol Hill have been seen twitching, sweating, and acting paranoid lately, but the cause has been unclear until now. Speaker Nancy Pelosi confirmed today that she’s been suffering impeachment withdrawals since the failure of the Senate trial to impeach President Trump. “I can’t hardly sleep, I’m not eating much, I can’t sit still or concentrate on anything these last 10 days,” Pelosi admitted. “So, over the weekend, Adam Schiff, myself, Eric Swalwell, and other members of our caucus went to a clinic to find out what…

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Joe Biden Offers Beatdown Analogies For Upcoming Primary Losses

NEW HAMPSHIRE – Democratic 2020 hopeful Joe Biden has admitted that his lackluster performance in Iowa last week was a “gut punch.” He’s already predicting New Hampshire’s primary will go for Bernie Sanders, and will be a “real kick in the teeth” to his campaign once the votes are counted. Speaking at a campaign rally before the New Hampshire primary, Biden told the crowd, “I’m not gonna lie to you. This is not where we’d hoped we’d be, and that’s why Nevada is so important. If we don’t take Nevada,…

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Pelosi Tears Up Bingo Cards After Failing To Win At SOTU

WASHINGTON – Speaker Nancy Pelosi is having a bad year. Everything she touches turns to crap and she can’t seem to catch a break. Tonight, she was seen tearing up her bingo cards behind the president. Whether it’s the Trump impeachment trial, Bingo, the Iowa Caucus fiasco, or a triumphant State of the Union (SOTU) speech, she keeps ending up on the losing side. President Trump had handed the speaker some bingo cards just before starting his State of the Union speech Tuesday night. The cards were to keep Nancy…

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NFL Denies 49er’s Request To Litter Field With Syringes, Poop, To Feel More Like Home Game

SUPER BOWL 54 – You have to hand it to the San Francisco 49er’s. They managed to win a lot of games this year, despite their home turf being littered with used drug syringes and human waste. Many football fans don’t realize that the feces problem the city itself is having doesn’t stop at the gates to Levi’s Stadium. Patrick Mahomes, quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs, said earlier this season, “San Fran is a really disgusting place to play. It’s tough enough scrambling, trying to avoid big linemen, looking…

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Angry Dems Insist That “Acquittal” Means Trump Still Has To Quit

acquittal

WASHINGTON – In a last ditch effort to snatch victory from the flames of defeat, Democratic impeachment managers are insisting that President Trump would still have to leave office – even in the event of a likely acquittal in his Senate trial. Democrat House manager Adam Schiff spelled out the logic during his party’s closing arguments. “House manager Mr. Nadler and I have screwed this impeachment inquiry six ways to Sunday. We know that. In fact, I can’t imagine this hearing going more badly unless Senators Mitt Romney and Susan…

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Reacting To Latest CNN Ratings, Talking Heads Laugh Until They Cry

NEW YORK CITY – During a segment on Don Lemon’s show last night, the host and two guests were responding to the latest ratings disaster for CNN programming. The numbers were so dismal that all the three talking heads could do was laugh until they cried. “I can’t believe we’re still a network!” Don Lemon said between laughs. “Thank God for airports or we wouldn’t have jobs!” His two guests broke out in laughter. Guest Rick Wilson, a Never Trumper, at one point tried to talk about Trump supporters in…

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Impeachment: Chuck Schumer To Have Cousin, Amy, Write Democrat Closing Arguments

arguments

WASHINGTON – Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer is desperate. Despite his furious spinning, he knows his party’s opening arguments bombed on the big stage. Now, he’s hoping his cousin, comic Amy Schumer, can add some life to Democrats’ closing arguments next week. “Look, I know Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler aren’t the most charismatic guys,” Schumer told reporters this weekend. “I, personally, along with the mainstream media, think they’re two of the finest orators to ever grace the Senate chamber. But it’s clear that the majority of senators are not…

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