VP Harris Asks Biden To Stop Giving Her Such Hard Assignments

assignments

MUNICH – Vice President Kamala Harris is absolutely tired of being given hard assignments from President Biden. The VP is currently masquerading as someone who has a grasp of foreign policy, but fooling no one. She keeps using big words like “absolutely” to impress other leaders. But since failing after each job she’s been given as VP, Harris is tired of the charade. “When they told me I was being picked for VP because of my color and my vagina, they didn’t tell me I was going to have to…

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Biden Warns Russia That Invading Troops Better Be Masked Or Hell To Pay

invading

WASHINGTON – President Biden had an intense, hour-long phone call with Russia’s President Putin yesterday. Biden warned the Red Menace they’d better be masked and vaxxed before invading Ukraine. The US president insisted it was just a matter of common courtesy. “Look, we’re on the tail end of this covid….you know, the thing,” Joe told reporters. “But I told President Putin that allowing unmasked, unvaxxed soldiers to invade Ukraine could set us back months if the invasion turned out to be a super-spreader event. That’s a scenario even my military…

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Unmasked Abrams: I Only Breathed Through My Blowhole During School Visit

blowhole

GEORGIA – Never Governor of Georgia Stacey Abrams is in some hot water. And she doesn’t do well in warm water. The plus-size hypocrite was caught going unmasked in a school surrounded by masked students, masked teachers, and the masked singer. The hypocritical pics have sparked a backlash against the hefty politician, who is denying any wrongdoing. Abrams may have taken her excuse for being mask-less from Los Angeles Mayor Garcetti. The mayor was recently spotted unmasked but claimed, “I was holding my breath while the pictures were taken.” Sounds…

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Antifa To Keep Masks On Even After Oregon Ends Mask Mandate Next Month

mask mandate

PORTLAND – The Oregon Health Authority is planning on lifting the state’s mask mandate in March. The people of this beautiful state will finally be able to breathe free again. But not everybody is planning on adopting the new guidelines. Fascist group Antifa has said they plan to continue wearing masks for the foreseeable future. Leaders of the group said they were more comfortable hiding behind masks when destroying cities. Members claim to have a number of reasons for why they plan to continue to wear masks: “We never know…

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Whoopsie! Goldberg Suspended 2 Weeks Since ‘That’s How Long She Thinks The Holocaust Lasted’

Goldberg

NEW YORK- Whoopi Goldberg, host of ABC’s ‘The View,’ has been suspended for two weeks after anti-Semitic comments made on the show this week. She ticked off everybody by saying the Holocaust was basically white-on-white crime. That race wasn’t part of the equation. Then social media exploded. “I’m really sorry you people misunderstood what I said about the Nazis and the Jews,” Goldberg explained on Stephen Colbert’s show. “I thought as a progressive I could say whatever I wanted and get away with it. Did you all change the rules…

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Russia Threatens To Invade Ukraine Unless Spotify Cancels Joe Rogan

Joe Rogan

MOSCOW – Everybody’s favorite threat this month is to demand Spotify cancel Joe Rogan or they’ll do something. Mostly, it’s been musical dinosaurs threatening the music service with pulling their song catalogs from the platform. All because they say podcaster Joe Rogan is spreading disinformation about Covid-19. The most recent threats have come from Dr. Neil Young, formerly of the clinic named ‘Dr.’s Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young.’ Also, Dr. Barry Manilow, Dr. Peter Frampton, and Dr. Joni Mitchell have demanded Rogan be silenced. We believe they’re doctors because they…

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Biden Accidentally Announces Own Retirement At Speech For Retiring SC Justice

retirement

WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Stephen Bryer is retiring this summer. Today, Bryer made the announcement official in a ceremony with the president. But as usual, things didn’t go as planned when Joe Biden stepped in front of the cameras. “Thank you all for being here today,” Biden started. “Today, I’m announcing my retirement from the Supreme Court of the United States. It has been my honor to serve my country in this special role for 30 years.” Justice Breyer lowered his head and covered his face with his palms.…

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Biden Promises To Rescue Any Americans Stuck In Ukraine With Seal Team Brandon

Seal Team Brandon

WASHINGTON – Joe Biden’s Afghanistan exit last year set the gold standard for evacuation efforts from a war-torn country. He’ll tell you that himself. So, as war seems inevitable between Russia and Ukraine, the time for Americans to get out of Ukraine is now. Acting President Jen Psaki, the one who ultimately tells us what Joe meant to say, explained today. “We are telling all Americans in Ukraine, and their families, to leave Ukraine now. We have no idea how to handle this Russian aggression. But, there is hope. Joe…

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Leftists: Packers Lost Playoff Game Because QB Rodgers’ Wrong Covid Views

Packers

GREEN BAY – The San Francisco 49er’s stunned the Green Bay Packers in a playoff game Saturday night. Packers fans were left wondering what could have been after the loss. What went wrong? Well, non-football-playing leftists took to Twitter as the game ended and set the record straight. American leftists believe that Aaron Rodgers’ anti-vax stance on covid is what ultimately brought the team down. “You know the old saying….Karma is a progressive woman,” tweeted masked Trey Klieber. “And she never forgets. Consider yourself immunized, b****!” Patty Coleman, a college…

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Mars/M & M’s Cave To Critical Candy Theory, Sugar-Coat Changes To Characters

M&M's

VIRGINIA – Mars, Inc. has M&Mbraced wokeness. The makers of M&M’s have fallen victim to Critical Candy Theory (CCT). CCT is an activist-inspired idea that teaches candy makers to not judge an M&M by its color, but rather by the content of its fictional character. The company announced changes to some of the candy’s ‘personalities’ in a bid to appear as woke as possible. Since 1941, the M&M brand has been known by slogans such as “All the World Loves M&M’s,” “Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hand,” and…

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