Trump Warns Iran: Don’t ‘Go All AOC’ On Me

go all AOC

WASHINGTON – As tensions escalate between the U.S. and Iran, President Trump issued a warning to the rogue regime’s leaders today. He sent out a tweet with stern words for Ali Khamenei, regarding the country’s threats to continue enriching uranium: “Don’t go all AOC on me.” The reference to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the know-it-all freshman congresswoman from New York, is gaining new acceptance. In fact, the American Psychiatric Association has recently adopted the phrase as an acceptable way to refer to a patient who is “acting insane, over-reactive, and melodramatic…

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Nike Mad That Betsy Ross Left Swoosh Logo Off American Flag Design

OREGON – Nike, Inc., the American shoe giant, has pulled their 4th of July, flag-themed sneakers because the company is mad that Betsy Ross didn’t include their iconic “swoosh” on her original flag design. Nike personality Colin Kaepernick recently pointed out the diss by Ross to company officials. “Betsy Ross should have had the foresight to know Nike would dominate the shoe market in the future, should have known their logo would be a swoosh, and should have included the symbol somewhere on her first American flag,” Kaepernick explained. In…

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2020 Dems Appoint Debbie Downer As Official Campaign Mascot

MIAMI – Following the Democratic Freak Show, uh, debate, last week, the DNC has appointed Debbie Downer to be the official face of their 2020 campaign. In fact, the negativity spewed by the debate participants makes Downer sound like Tony Robbins. Yes, despite a historically low unemployment rate, a strong economy, millions of jobs created, foreign leaders taking President Trump seriously, and achieving energy independence, America really sucks. That’s the Democrats’ story and they’re sticking to it. Debbie Downer was honored by the chance to be the image of Democrats…

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Mayor Pete: I Will Wipe Out College Student Beer Debt If Elected

FLORIDA – Trying to keep up with all the ways 2020 Democratic hopefuls are promising to wipe out all uncomfortable facets of modern life, Mayor Pete Buttigieg has joined the chorus. Pete wants to pass reparations for all the money college students spent on beer and alcohol during their university days. “Look, Bernie wants to wipe out financial distress with college loan forgiveness. Kamala Harris and Squaw Warren want to wipe out racism by making reparations for slavery and the hard times the white man gave the red man. Hell,…

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Kamala Harris Promises Cure For Resting Bitch Face If Elected

bitch

CALIFORNIA – Joe Biden promises to cure cancer. Elizabeth Warren promises to cure the scourge of her American Indian people, smallpox. Bernie Sanders vows to cure capitalism. Beto wants to cure male whiteness. Kamala Harris needed a hook. Now, she has one. “If elected, within my first term, we will rid the country of resting bitch face (RBF),” Harris matter-of-factly told a rally crowd this weekend. “I myself have suffered from that debilitating ailment all of my adult life. So I know first hand that it’s extremely difficult to fake…

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Iowa Dealing With Infestation Of 2020 Democratic Candidates

Iowa

AMES – Residents of this town and others in Iowa are currently being overrun by a swarm of 2020 Democratic presidential hopefuls. Worried residents have so far reported 19 sightings of the unwelcome varmints, and many are praying the pests move on soon before they destroy everything. Willy Turnbull, who lives in Cedar Rapids, expressed his concern. “They’re freakin’ everywhere! I saw several here yesterday. I know Democrats have that ‘hive mind’ mentality, but my skin crawls when I think about how many are concentrated in this one state at…

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Mueller: Trump Did Not Not Break Law, Doesn’t Find Him Not Innocent

WASHINGTON – Special Counsel Robert “Muddy” Mueller issued a last, for now, statement on his famous report on Russian collusion and obstruction of justice by the Trump campaign. His statement today made his findings as clear as mud. Waxing on the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution, Mueller reaffirmed that, “In America, a person is presumed innocent unless I can’t not un-exonerate them. Look it up, people. I didn’t make the law up.” “Muddy” then started really making things up. “Under the 71st Amendment, the law provides for a presumption…

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Nancy Pelosi Offers Human Sacrifices To Appease Impeachment Gods

WASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said today she has been praying for President Trump. Yesterday, the president walked out of a scheduled meeting on infrastructure with Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer after Nan accused him of covering up……….something. To appear more pious than everyone else, she told reporters that she’s praying for the president’s mental well being and revealed her conversation with the deities she worships. “I prayed to Saint Bill, the patron saint of Impeachments, to help us carry out our desires to destroy Donald Trump. I even…

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DNC Vows To Cap Number Of 2020 Candidates At 50

candidates

WASHINGTON – Saying they realize they haven’t quite checked off every identity political box that the Left has created with their candidates so far, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has announced that they will cap the number of possible presidential candidates at 50. “Sadly, we can’t let everybody and their mother compete for a chance to beat President Trump,” DNC head Tom Perez acknowledged. “In fact, Kirsten Gillebrand asked us if she could enter her mom in the race to unseat Trump when she filed her paperwork. We had to…

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